Axel Rhodes Williams – Wedding Speech for April and Jamie – Cook County Series

Hi. My name is Axel Rhodes Williams and I am eight years old. My Gran said I could write a speech to read out to everyone at the wedding reception.

I wanted to say how much I love my mom. She is awesome. She helps fix people at work then looks after me at night. Or fixes people t night and comes home to see me off to school, then she sleeps.

Jamie is cool too. He’s my Dad Boss. We work on houses together and cook hot dogs and he even makes sure Uncle Jax, Uncle Bryant, Uncle Cohen and Uncle Ezra put money into my swear jar when they say curse words like… nah, just joking. Mom said I’m not allowed to curse until I’m twenty-five. Jamie says I’m one of the guys so when it’s just us guys I can say damn and heck but that’s our little secret. I met Jamie when I saw the pizza guy take three pizza boxes to our new neighbor’s house and then I used my secret ninja skills to sneak into the house and try some. Mom said that makes me a thief. Jamie just grinned and gave me more pizza and a soda.

Jamie always looks at my Mom funny, like his eyes are shining. And he always smiles in a goofy way that makes him look like me when I see yummy food like pizza and soda. He is also a good boss and doesn’t make me do too much work before letting me stop to have some food. He has taught me how to hit a golf ball and sometimes he even takes me to play golf with the guys and then we go to have a big dinner afterwards with lots of dude food while Mommy and Aunty Ronnie and Aunty Abi drink wine and talk about books, but really they drink wine and talk about the guys while Gran and Nana Marcy make yummy food that they leave for me to eat when I get home again.

Mom always smiles and laughs now when Jamie is around. She’s always happy and I love that Jamie looks after the two of us and is an extra member of our family now. That’s how I knew he would be the best new dad I could ever have and now…Jamie, I’m glad you are my new Dad, Mom, I’m glad you’re my old Mom and together, I’m super happy that you are now April Cook and that you said I could be Axel Rhodes Cook if Jamie signs the papers that you’re going to give him.

Jamie – Dad – you rock. Gran said I’m no longer the man of the house because you are now, but that’s okay. I’m happy just to be the big boy of the house and for you and me to keep looking after Mom like you told me our job was to do.

That’s all I have to say. Axel, out!

Find out more about the Cook County series here


Game Player – Matt’s Big Show

It was 10 a.m. that fateful Monday morning, the day that will now forever go down in history as the day I lost that last shred of dignity I still held. A day that my wife Mia has not—and will not—ever let me forget.

I had a well-intentioned idea to cheer up my sleep-deprived, child-carrying wife, since I knew she was feeling a bit low. At least I succeeded in doing one thing—she certainly hasn’t stopped laughing, or smirking, or jibing for a good two weeks now.

Thinking I was still the young, virile man I used to be, I locked the door of my office, my phone in one hand, hard dick in the other. I looked down to make sure my cock was looking his best and pressed the “take picture” button on my screen, proceeding to scroll through my contacts, selecting Mia, and sending said phallic photographic masterpiece to my dirty-mouthed, filthy-minded nymphomaniac wife, just as my best friend Jason called out to me through the door.

Zipping myself up, I slipped my cell into my back pocket, unlocked the office and stepped outside to see Jason.

It wasn’t until thirty minutes later, when I was in the middle of overseeing a plumbing inspection, that my phone vibrated, signaling a text message. Then it did it again . . . and again. Thinking it would only be Mia’s no doubt sassy—and dirty—reply, I ignored it and continued until the inspector left the building site.

I made my way back to my office, pulling my phone out and taking a seat behind my desk.

The minute I unlocked my screen, I knew I’d fucked up. Ten messages, all from my good friend’s wife in various stages of freak-out.

Mac: OMG.

Mac: You did not just send me that.

Mac: Shit, did you really just send me a dick pic?

Mac: Mia is gonna freak out when she finds out you sent me this.

Mac: I shouldn’t be staring at a photo of your purple-headed womb ferret, Matt.

Mac: Shit, fuck, damn, Jared did something and synched my phone album to the cloud and now your dick is on my 60-inch TV.

Mac: Help! How do I get it off?

Mac: Not get you off, or it off, I mean REMOVE IT FROM MY TELEVISION.

Mac: I think my daughter just had an impromptu anatomy lesson. Thanks for that.

Mac: Well, there’s nothing mini about you now, is there?

Mac: Is that eight inches . . . I mean, because your brother was very blessed in that department too. Must be in the genes.

Mac: I think you’ve just given me my new screensaver.

“Do you think my husband might want to see this, or is true that guys sneak looks in the bathroom so he’s probably taken a peek at some point over the last ten years we’ve known you?”

All of these messages were from Mac, who obviously went from freak-out to enjoying the fuck out of my mistake in the matter of minutes.

When I got a text from Mia, who I affectionately call Legs, I knew that I’d really fucked up. Not by accidentally sending a dick pic to someone who wasn’t my wife—no. My biggest mistake was scrolling to the person above my wife’s name. Mac is not malicious, nor is she vindictive, but she sure enjoyed sharing the news of my manhood.

And the photo.

To all the women in our extended group of friends and family.

Mia: I know you like to boast about your size, Taylor, but next time, you might wanna double check who you’re sending that piece of man meat to.

Mia: P.S. I hear you’re Mac’s new piece of art on her TV. Kate giggled; Dani asked me how I could let that monster anywhere near my downtown playground. Sam was impressed. Zoe said she didn’t need to know that about her brother-in-law. Abi said she might get it printed on canvas, and Amy says you’ve got nothing on Thomas. So there’s that.

Mia: This is the best laugh I’ve had in ages. I’ll get acquainted with you and your anaconda later.

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